


I did too.

by camille_E



Category: Big Time Rush (Band), Big Time Rush (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Kinda breaking up, Smut
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-24
Updated: 2018-12-24
Packaged: 2019-09-25 21:11:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,308
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17128820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/camille_E/pseuds/camille_E
Summary: Kendall used to know what his life was going to be like, but suddenly he is forced to make a choice that he never thought he would make. After being offered a record deal at Rocque Records, he needs to decide if he wants to take the chance or stay in Minnesota. Not only does he despise the music producer, but leaving his friends behind is a thought that he can't stand. During the depths of the night he gets a visitor, better known as the third reason why he does not want to leave Minnesota, and the only person who can make him forget for just a moment.





	1. I did too.

**Author's Note:**

> Hi!
> 
> So I was rewatching some Big Time Rush for nostalgic sakes, and for some reason I love Kendall? He used to be my least favourite out of the four of them when I was younger, but whatever. This one-shot takes place during the Pilot, precisely during the night where he has to choose if he wants to go to LA or not. It is kinda smutty, but not too explicit (i think? I am very bad at judging these things).

Although this had not been the first time that he had lied awake in his bed, Kendall was pretty sure that he had never found his ceiling as interesting to look at as he had in that moment. His head was clouded with thoughts, thoughts that he never had expected to have until that very afternoon. Los Angeles seemed like paradise. Hot weather (and according to his friends, even hotter girls), fame, fortune, and everything else that someone could desire. Everything except for the people that he was closest to in the world, his friends. Logan, Carlos, and James had been there for him for years, leaving them behind seemed impossible. And he had not even taken the horrible personality of the music producer in consideration. He sighed loudly and closed his eyes for a minute. He wanted to just go to sleep and forget about all of this, but he knew that he had to make a choice eventually. The situation was wrecking his brain, and he was so in thoughts that he almost hadn’t noticed the tiny pebble hitting his bedroom window. He opened his eyes in confusion and sat upright. It was 2 am at his point, and the thought of someone still being outside struck him as surprising. Especially since he lived in fucking Minnesota, and there was literal snow everywhere that he looked. He stared at his window for a while, but laid back down again after not having heard another sound. Just as his back hit the mattress again, he heard a knock on the same bedroom window. He shot upright, this time being sure that there was someone outside. He swiftly threw his feet over the side of the bed and walked towards the curtains. With a quick movement, he opened them, and found himself standing right across from the third reason, besides his friends and the shitty music producer, that he did not want to leave Minnesota. She smiled at him unsurely and rubber her hands together shortly to warm them up. Kendall smiled back at her, just as unsure as she had, and immediately went to open up his window. The second that he opened the window, a shiver was sent down his spine from the cold Minnesotan air.  
‘Hi…’ she spoke softly, tugging a strand of loose hair behind her ear.  
‘Hey.’ He stepped aside, giving her room to enter the house. There was no need of warning her for his mother and sister, since she already knew that from the many times before that this had happened. Once she was inside, Kendall quickly closed the window and watched her shed her scarf and coat. She casually threw them on the floor and sat down, just like she had done many times before. Yet this time things were different. Although the routine was exactly the same, there was something off between them. They could both feel it hanging in the air.  
‘So, uhm…’ she began, looking down at her hands that were resting in her lap. ‘I heard about LA…’  
‘I figured…’ He walked over to her and sat down next to her.  
‘Have you made your choice already?’ She turned his head towards him.  
He could see the fear and uncertainty in her eyes. He shrugged and pressed his lips shortly together. ‘Not really. I don’t know what to do, to be honest.’  
‘Yeah, it’s for sure a big deal.’ She laughed softly diverted her gaze back to her hands. ‘LA seems like a really cool place. And this is a great opportunity for you.’  
‘I know it is. But I… I can’t just leave everything behind.’ He looked at her from the side, thinking about how different his life would be if he took the chance and left for LA. ‘I mean, I can’t just ditch Logan, Carlos, and James, can I?’ He sighed and looked down again, running a hand through his messy hair in the meantime. ‘They are way too important to me.’  
She nodded in understanding and moved her hand over to his. Their fingers intertwined as if it was the most ordinary thing in the world. She smiled softly while staring at it.  
‘And… Well...’ He shrugged again, while still avoiding her gaze. ‘I don’t want to leave you behind here…’  
‘Kendall,’ She squeezed his hand carefully, causing him to look up. ‘I know for sure that you can really become something. Don’t let me stand in the way of that…’ She frowned. ‘I couldn’t live with myself knowing that I prohibited you from truly living up to what you could have been. You’re the most talented person that I know, even if you don’t realise it.’  
He turned his body towards her, their knees touching.  
She started running her thumb up and down the back of his hand. ‘And as for the guys, taking the deal does not have to mean leaving them behind. I know that you’re a smart guy, and very creative to say the least. I‘m sure that you can think of some way to incorporate them into all of this.’ She smiled at him reassuringly, yet it seemed as if she was trying to convince him of a possibility that she herself was not completely sure of.  
‘Yeah perhaps, but can’t I just incorporate you as well?’ He shook his head softly as he spoke, his brows furrowed in confusion.  
‘I am not made for that kind of life. I have responsibilities here, reasons why I have to stay that are beyond my own choice. You know that…’ She looked down again for a short second, biting down on her lip in thought. ‘And besides,’ She looked back up again. ‘Three months is not too long. We can do that, right?’  
‘I guess so…’  
‘We can do three months.’ She nodded full of security. ‘We have kept this between us a secret for such a long time, I’m sure that we can keep it on the low for a bit longer. And after the demos are done, no matter what happens with your career, we can discuss the next move.’ she said, as the string of hair that she had tucked behind her ear just a minute ago fell in her face again. ‘How does that sound?’  
‘Yeah, I guess we could do that.’ Things fell silent between them as the reality of their new possible situation started sinking in. Kendall removed his hand from hers and tucked back the string of hair. He carefully put his hand against her cheek while he looked at her in awe. He admired her for her strength and capability of putting everyone else above her. There was a kind of compassion in her that was nothing alike anything else that he had seen. She put her hand against his chest, curling her fingers around the collar of his shirt. He pulled her towards him softly as he gently pressed his lips against hers. Kissing her had become something that Kendall was used to at this point, but the insecurity of their situation made it feel like it was the very first time again. Suddenly, he felt exactly like he had those few months ago, when she had been nothing more than a colleague to him that he secretly had feelings for. He was the one who kissed her, although he still couldn’t believe that he had had the guts to do it. He could still feel her hands in his hair as he pressed her against one of the supply racks in the backroom of the supermarket where he worked at.  
She kissed him back with the same gentleness that he had. She moved her hands up to the back of his head and softly pulled on his hair. He moaned against her lips and moved his hand from her cheek down to the side of her neck. Without breaking contact, she moved up a bit and proceeded to sit on his lap, facing him. His hands lowered towards her back, and he let one of them rest on her ass. His lips parted from hers as he started to trail kisses down to her neck and collarbone. She let out a shaky breath while softly moaning his name. They both tried to suppress the thought that, perhaps, this was their very last moment like this together. The idea of not being able to feel his lips on her skin was insufferable to her, so she just simply did not think about it. All the different things clouding Kendall’s head before had been replaced by her and the way that she moaned under his touch. She pulled his hair a bit rougher this time, forcing him to stop and look at her. She leaned down again and kissed him again while slowly grinding down onto him. His hand squeezed her ass hard as a reaction to the friction between them. His other hand travelled up again and started removing her shirt. For a short second, she broke contact again to help him and quickly remove his own shirt as well. They hastily threw the clothing items around the room, not caring where they would land. He pulled her down again by her neck and started messing around with her bra clasp with his other hand. He had never been good at getting it to open, even after all the practise that he had had. She smiled against his lips and reached for her clasp with her free hand, the other one being in his hair again. After having opened the clasp, Kendall swiftly threw her bra to the side. His lips started trailing down again and stopped at her chest. He started sucking on the sensitive skin as she threw her head back and closed her eyes. Her breathing had turned heavy as she started pulling his hair harder and harder. ‘Kendall…’ she breathed as she could feel his lips on her bare chest. ‘I need you.’ she moaned and she bit down on her lower lip in pleasure.  
That was all the reassurance that Kendall needed. He immediately started undoing her jeans. Knowing that he was not going to be able to do it, she got up and quickly removed them further herself. At the same time, he pulled down his sweatpants and boxers. The second that he was done, he was pushed down into the bed by her soft hands. She cradled him again as she leant down to kiss him. His hands found their way to the rim of her panties, slowly pulling them down. The cold air in the room caused goose bumps to arise on every inch of her body, yet she almost couldn’t even feel it. With a bit of a struggle, Kendall was able to remove her panties and threw them in the same direction as they had thrown every other item of clothing. She stopped kissing him and sat upright, her hands resting on his chest. For a second they just stared at each other, taking the other person in. Then she positioned herself above him and slowly lowered down. He grunted as a result and grabbed her hips. She slowly started bouncing up and down as he guided her with his hands. His grip was so tight that she was sure that there would be bruises the next morning right where his fingerprints had been. A moan escaped her lips, but she quickly closed her mouth again once she realized again that they had to be silent. He leaned up, almost sitting upright again, and started kissing her passionately. She rolled her hips against him, causing his head to completely run wild. Unable of containing himself for another second, he grabbed onto her even tighter and flipped her onto the mattress, now laying above her. He grabbed her legs, putting one over his shoulder, and started thrusting into her. He grabbed both of her wrists and pinned them above her head with his free hand, the other one resting on the leg that she had wrapped around his waist. His thrusts became harder and harder, and she couldn’t help but moan his name even louder than before. She arched her back and deliberately tightened herself around him. The only sounds filling the air was their moans and the sounds of their bodies hitting against each other. His groans started becoming louder as his moves became sloppier, and she knew that he was close. He closed his eyes in pleasure as he dug his fingers into her leg.  
‘Kendall,’ she breathed out. ‘Look at me.’ She ordered him, although he was clearly the one in control.  
He opened his eyes again, knowing exactly what she wanted of him, and bit down on his lower lip to try and contain his moans. He finally let go of her wrists, and her hands immediately flew to his neck. She pulled him down for a kiss, but then quickly let go again and started digging her nails in his back. She could feel his body starting to shake as he finally reached his high. He moaned her name loudly as he came simultaneously, never breaking eye contact. She tightened around him again, helping him ride out his high. When he was done, he collapsed onto her and pulled out of her. He rolled onto the mattress and panted heavily. For a few minutes, they just laid there, staring at the ceiling while processing what had just happened. After a while, she lifted her head, allowing him to lay his arm under it. She turned to her side and moved her head onto his chest. He wrapped his arm around her and let the other one rest under his head. He sighed deeply and smiled while kissing the crown of her head. He chuckled softly and tried to look down at her. ‘Hey…’  
‘Hi…’ she responded while smiling as well.  
His smile faded. ‘I know that this is not how you probably imagined this...' He began. 'But I think that I love-‘  
‘Don’t.’ she interrupted him softly. ‘That will only make things harder…’ she whispered against his bare skin.  
He sighed and traced circles against her skin. ‘I know… But just know, that… When you think about me, years from now…’ he fell silent for a moment, sighing loudly as he kissed her crown again. ‘that I did.’  
She pressed her lips together, trying to keep herself from letting her pain show while he was still around. ‘I will…’ she pressed a kiss onto his chest. ‘And know that I did too.’


	2. You too.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Big Time Rush is officially a thing. Their demos were chosen, which means that they get to do a full album, which also means that they are staying in Los Angeles. Although Kendall is thrilled about the opportunity, this also means telling the only reason why he misses Minnesota that he is not coming back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah I know that this was supposed to be a one shot but I kinda want to make it a short fic with like 3 chapters? Although there isn't much happening and its kinda just sad and shit. I already have an idea for the last, and third, chapter but whatever.

Kendall was certain that he had never felt as much joy as he had the second that Big Time Rush’s demos were chosen. He had absolutely fallen in love with Los Angeles, and the thought of having to go back to Minnesota was something that he did not enjoy. Kendall stuffed his hands in his pockets as he walked back to the apartment on his own. He had left the other guys behind at the studio, where they were celebrating the fact that they were about to make their first official album. He smiled softly down at the ground as he continued walking through the warm Californian air. Although he was really happy at the moment, there was one thing that almost made him wish that their demos weren’t chosen. He entered the Palm Woods and made his way over to the elevator. There was nobody around anymore, considering that it was past midnight. People were either out partying or were already fast asleep. He stepped into the elevator and waited for the door to close. Anxiety was building up inside of him while the lift slowly moved upwards. He sighed and bounced around on his feet, trying to relieve the feeling. The lift halted and the doors slowly slid open again. He walked down the hallway and unlocked his apartment door, walking in and heading straight for the telephone. He sat down on the couch, that was seated right in front of him. He was scared of calling her. After his department from Minnesota, they had barely spoken to each other. During the first week, they kept contact, but the time difference and the fact that they were both busy made it hard to keep in contact. And although they would never admit it, they both tried to distance themselves from each other as well as they could. Being as far away from each other as they were just was too painful. No matter what girl had come along, Kendall still had her in his head. And Jo, the new girl from North Carolina, was a lot of fun, but he just couldn’t forget about what had been in Minnesota. He leaned forward and grabbed the phone. He anxiously dialled her number and pressed the green telephone icon. He pressed the phone to his ear and bounced up and down with his leg while waiting for her to pick up. She probably just got up, considering that she usually worked the earlier shifts at the supermarket. Right as she picked up, the door to his apartment flung open. In panic, Kendall removed the phone and hung up immediately.   
Logan was standing in the door, staring at him in confusion. “Who the fuck are you calling at this hour?”  
Kendall looked at him with big eyes. “Uhmm…” He tried to think of a way out, without telling him about her. “I… I…”  
Logan walked towards him and sat down on the couch as well. “Dude, you know that you can tell me, right?” He tilted his head a bit and smiled a bit confused. “I’m not like Carlos and James, I won’t go around telling everyone.”  
Kendall sighed and stared down at the phone in his hand. “Okay…” He sighed loudly and ran his hand through his blonde hair. “Do you remember that one colleague of mine? Back at the supermarket?”  
Logan frowned. “Which one?”  
“The pretty one? The one that James was constantly hitting on?” Kendall explained.  
Logan raised his eyebrows and nodded slowly. “Oh yeah… What about her?”  
Kendall continued bouncing with his leg and pressed his lips together shortly. “We were kinda together, back in Minnesota…”  
“Woah, wait- what?” Logan exclaimed. “Since when?”  
“We hooked up for the first time about four months before I left…” Kendall smiled softly as he thought back to that first time in the back room of the supermarket. “We never made anything official, but things between us were really great. She was great…”   
“I had no clue…” Logan diverted his gaze from Kendall and stared at the wall in front of them.   
“Yeah, we kept it a secret. We would mostly meet up at night.”  
Logan nodded and snorted softly. “That explains why you were always falling asleep during first period.”  
Kendall chuckled and shrugged. “Yeah. She had some issues with a previous boyfriend, and she thought that it would be too dangerous for me if our…” He stopped mid-sentence, realizing that he had no clue how to call what they had. “Thing… Became public knowledge.”  
“And let me guess, you were about to call her to tell her that you were not coming back.”   
“Yeah…” Kendall fiddled with the phone in his hand.  
“Well,” Logan softly nudged Kendall. “Call her then.”  
“No offence dude, but it’s kinda weird to call her when you’re sitting right next to me.” Kendall said while smiling awkwardly.   
“Oh yeah, of course. I’ll wait for you in the hallway, just in case that Carlos and James come back.” Logan got up from the couch. He looked down at his friend, who had just trusted him with something major that probably nobody else knew. He shortly put his hand on his shoulder. “Good luck, dude.” He turned around and walked out of the apartment, making sure that nobody was going to interrupt the conversation.   
Kendall sighed again and dialled the number for the second time. He was hoping that she would have the time to pick up, since she was probably about to leave for her shift. However, she picked up within seconds. “Hi…?” she asked confusedly.   
“It’s Kendall.” His voice sounded shaky, as the anxiety was raking through his body.  
“Oh, hey.” Her voice trembled a bit, since she probably already knew why he was calling her.  
Kendall scraped his throat. “So… I just wanted to call you, since our demos were chosen by the CEO.”  
“That’s great, Kendall!” She exclaimed, although he could tell that she was slightly saddened by the news.  
“Yeah,” he smiled softly. “It is, but it also means that I am going to be staying in LA for a bit longer…”   
She sighed loudly. “I already figured…”  
“Are you still sure that you can’t just come here?” Kendall clutched the phone tighter into his hands.   
It was almost as if he could hear her shake her head through the phone. “You know that I can’t…” she whispered, just loud enough for him to understand.  
“Is your mom still as fucked?” he asked, knowing well enough why she couldn’t just pack up and leave.  
“She has started going to a new therapist, but that’s about the only time that she gets out of her bed. And Luke’s birthday is coming up, so he can will finally be old enough to get a job. I can’t wait to not have to work at every possible moment.” She chuckled softly, even though the topic wasn’t funny at all. It was something that she did all the time, just to make it seem like less of a big deal.  
“That’s good, I guess.” Kendall wanted to get her out of that situation so badly. He would do everything to give her even a weekend off, but she would never allow it.  
“I hope that it is.”   
For a few seconds, nobody spoke.  
“So…” Kendall started.  
“I guess that this is really it, isn’t it?” she continued.   
“I guess it is…” He bit down on his lower lip in an attempt to keep himself from tearing up.  
“Okay.” She whispered. “Just promise that you’ll think of me sometime.”  
“Believe me, it won’t just be sometime.” He chuckled softly.   
She snorted. “As if you’re going to be thinking about me while you’re on tour or something.”  
“I will though.” he spoke, a lot more serious this time.  
He could almost imagine the way that she was raising her eyebrows right now. She sighed, but in a more annoyed manner than the sighs that she let out earlier. “As if you’re going to be thinking of me worldwide.”  
He smirked and lifted an eyebrow. “Trust me on this one, I will.” He responded. “And that sounds like a great lyric by the way.” He full on grinned while speaking.  
“It does, doesn’t it?” She chuckled softly, a sound that sounded so familiar and estranged to him at the same time. She quickly stopped chuckling and sighed again. “Just don’t think about me too much, okay?” She spoke slowly. “I’m sure that there is some other girl right there that can make you happier than I did. And one that you won’t have to keep a secret.”  
Jo briefly crossed Kendalls mind. “And I’m sure that there is some new asshole colleague there that can replace me with ease.”   
“I did hear that they recently hired someone new.” She said, her voice dripping with irony. “But I’m not into 40 year old married men.“  
He snorted. “Okay yeah, maybe someone else.” He joked. She did not respond and silence fell upon them again. At that exact moment, Kendall wished that their demos had not been chosen. Being right there with her was the only thing that he longed for, but he knew that the opportunity was too big to just let it slip.   
“I guess that I’m going to go, Kendall…” She said while interrupting his thoughts.   
He ran a hand through his hair. “Yeah…”  
“Just… Take care of yourself, okay?” Her voice was shaky, and it wouldn’t have been a surprise if she was struggling to keep in the tears that were begging to come out.  
“I will.” He closed his eyes, trying to take in her voice, as if it was going to be the last time that he would ever hear it. “You too.”  
The next thing that he heard was a beep, meaning that she had hung up on him. He opened his eyes again and wiped away a tear that had rolled down his cheek. He sighed deeply and put the phone down again. He let his head hang between his legs as he sighed for what felt as the millionth time. The thought of it really being over killed him. She was the first girl that he had ever deeply cared for. She was the first girl that he was ever that serious about. She was the first girl who he slept with, and also the first girl who he had ever loved, even if he never completely told her. He did not have long to reflect, since he heard voices approaching the door. James and Carlos were talking loudly to Logan, asking about Kendall’s whereabouts. Kendall got up and walked towards the door. He swung it open, plastered a fake smile on his face. Logan looked at him with curiosity in his gaze. Kendall looked at James and Carlos. “I just needed to get something. Do you guys want to go find a party to crash?” He asked, knowing that they would immediately shut up and agree with his idea.   
“Hell yeah!” James exclaimed. He spun around on his heel and started heading back to the elevator.  
“Cool.” Kendall followed him. “Oh, and I have a great idea for a new song, by the way.”

**Author's Note:**

> So yeah this is just a one-shot (sike i added another chapter lmao). I was thinking about writing a small paragraph about how they end up, but the storyline follows the series so I guess you can already figure out what happens next. I guess if this gets any attention, I could still write it. But it's 3 am now so I'm going to sleep now.


End file.
